by Nicole | Oct 21, 2020 | Brokenness, Mental Health, Motherhood, Parenting
I get asked a lot about kids. More specifically, about how to make sure our kids don’t get our crazy…you know what I mean? When we were pregnant with Brooke, I was so afraid that she would struggle with anxiety and depression and Borderline as she grew. I remember talking to Kevin about it in one of our sessions. He encouraged me by saying that more often than not, the parents who are actively seeking counseling for their mental illnesses are less likely to pass those along to their children. Why? Because the parents are healing and are on high alert for any signs that their children may also need extra help in processing certain situations.
I’ll never forget taking Brooke to the doctor when she was around four or five. We had to go to a different doctor’s office due to health insurance reasons (gotta love Health Insurance, #amiright). Brooke was LOSING HER MIND about getting shots (as any child does) and the doctor said, nonchalantly, “You may need to have her seen about her anxiety.” HOLD THE PHONE…WHAT? I was LIVID that a doctor would throw anxiety around like that – especially because I was already on pins and needles about my kids ending up anxious and depressed.
But isn’t that just like the enemy? He wants to hold our labels over our heads and keep us feeling and living defeated – because if he can, THAT way of life WILL get passed on to our kids. For those of you living with the generational baggage of mental illness or brokenness, then you being honest and getting healthy are the first steps to cutting ties with the past and keeping your kids free from the tentacles of the past.
Kids are intuitive. They know when something is wrong.
A few years ago, I had a major anxiety attack on a Saturday morning. I was supposed to go somewhere with Brooke and I got so frazzled trying to get out of the door, I just lost it and left…without her (Bryant was home – I feel like that’s important to mention here. Shew). I just drove around the block and came home. When I walked in the door, she was devastated that I would leave without her. Then I heard Ryder walking around quietly crying and saying, “I burned my hand. I burned my hand.” My curling iron had been on and he grabbed it while it was super hot and when Bryant and I were both distracted with my anxiety. OHMYGOSH. I just fell apart in that moment. I had a daughter who was brokenhearted and a son who was physically hurt – all because of my anxiety. It was an eye opening experience and one that still breaks my heart. But I decided after that day that I would no longer bring my children into my attacks. If I was going to have an anxiety attack (and I was), then I was going to make the conscious decision to safely remove myself from their vicinity until I could calm down enough to not involve them.
Here’s what I will say, though: I am always very honest with them about my anxiety. If I am having a bad few days, I will let Brooke and Ryder and Braxton know (in as much detail as they can handle at their ages). I try to explain to them that mommy is feeling sick inside from anxiety, something that can make her sad and mean, but that Mr.Kevin is helping mommy, as is Daddy and Jesus. I always apologize if I’ve been hurtful or raised my voice. If I get at Bryant in front of them, I apologize for that too.
The other night as I was doing just that – apologizing for the way I had treated them due to my anxiety – Brooke got her big eyes and asked, “Am I going to get anxiety?” I burst into tears as I answered, “No, Baby Girl. Momma’s fighting really hard so you won’t get it.” Geez guys. That’s what getting healthy is all about. Working our tail ends off so we break the chains and give our kids a fighting chance.
The truth is, we live in a broken world and our kids are broken, just like us! Some of you may be concerned that your kids are battling with anxiety and depression, and if they are, THEY ARE NORMAL AND ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. Do not be ashamed to get them the extra help they may need for a season. Can you imagine how different your life would’ve been if your parents had gotten you into counseling?
If you aren’t sure if your child is truly struggling with anxiety or depression, maybe ask yourself these questions:
- Is he/she withdrawing (from friends, family, school, sports, etc)?
- Is he/she sleeping more than usual?
- Does he/she seem distracted or needing to be distracted more often than not?
- Is he/she more antsy and/or irritable than usual?
- Is he/she acting out – like you feel like all of sudden you are living with a completely different individual?
These questions aren’t inclusive. Jesus gives us parents instincts and if they are telling you something is amiss, then get your kid into counselling! We’ve taken our kids before and it has been SO HELPFUL! Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of our face. Counselors help us put the pieces together and give us direction in how to communicate and actually be heard. We want to teach our kids that seeking help is normal and good and nothing to be ashamed of!
We will end the stigma of mental illness if we stop hiding behind it. Own your brokenness. Teach your children to own theirs. Jesus shines the brightest in our weaknesses. We learn Who He is when we need Him most. Let’s model this to our children and watch what Jesus does!
by Nicole | Oct 20, 2020 | Stories From My Friends
When I was 15, I had a soccer scholarship and everything was going great. I didn’t go to church all the time, but I believed and we went on the occasion. One day in a soccer game a girl and I hit heads and I immediately blacked out – had no idea where I was or anything. I went to the ER later that night to find out I had a bad concussion. I had to stay home all week – couldn’t watch tv, couldn’t go on my phone, I just had to be surrounded by darkness. After a few months go by, I got cleared to go play soccer again. It was a tournament so I was super excited and ready. Then all of sudden during our warm ups, 10 minutes before the game, my heart starts beating irreparably fast but I didn’t think anything of it, so I still went out on the field ready to start. Not even 5 minutes into the game, I had to get out because my heart was still just not okay. A trainer came over and we were checking my pulse and it was in the 230s. I didn’t play for the rest of the game. I went to the doctor. They thought everything was okay, so I went and played again and it happened again. I went to another cardiologist and they said the same. They had a thought of what it could be, but the main doctor wasn’t in, so they couldn’t do much. It happened again, but this time I’m having an episode in class and almost pass out walking to the nurse’s office. I get to the office and it’s again in the 230s, so we call my mom and finally we go to the main doctor and get a heart monitor. The results of my monitor were that I had SVT, which is an extra node on my heart, which is making my heart fire faster than normal. I then had a heart surgery ablation to remove it. For 3 weeks I was back to normal. But then it came back somehow. To this day, we still don’t know why it still gets fast at times. But unfortunately that’s not the end of my story. Beyond my heart condition, I have a few other issues as well. When I was a sophomore in high school, I met this boy that was a junior at a different high school. We ended up dating for about 4 years and I broke up with him the beginning of my sophomore year in college. During those 4 years I was physically and verbally and emotionally abused by him. Furthermore, my dad was telling me it was my fault and I should’ve stayed in and he was also trying to get us to go to couples therapy. Man it was such a whirlwind. My heart condition drew me away from God. I was very upset and confused, everything I had going for me was gone in an instant. During my heart condition too, my oldest sister Jenny lost her first child: First grandbaby and nephew of the family. So all of that happening to me at 16, having heart surgery, losing my nephew, being abused, it was all a lot to handle. In November of 2018, I got severely sick. In 4 months, I lost 45 pounds. In those 4 months, I went to the ER about 6 times and they also said nothing was wrong. For the first time since I was 14, I prayed. I had been attending Centerpoint for a little and I just felt like it was time for me to pray, so I did. I prayed about my stomach issues and for them to find something because I just felt miserable. That week I went to my physician’s office and they found out I had an infected gallbladder. I got sent to a surgeon and had it removed a week later…God heard me and most definitely answered my prayer. In 2018, I had about 6 surgeries. It was one of the toughest years, but now when I look back on all of it, I thank Him for putting me through it all because it got me to where I am today: In the center of His will. It was a bumpy road to get here, but the fact is I’m here and I’ve never felt joy the way I do now. They still don’t know what’s wrong with my heart and I have medicine for my stomach because my gallbladder was so infected that it messed up my digestive system and my colon, but it doesn’t bother me like it did anymore. I look at it all as a blessing and all I wanna do is use what I’ve gone through to help others understand that even though it feels like everything is against you and that God isn’t for you, it’s the complete opposite. That’s when we should know most all of this is happening because God always finds a way to put us in His will. There are different paths we can take, but in the end, we will be what God has planned for us to be. I feel like I definitely need to see a counselor to help me continue to work things out internally and mentally, but I know for a fact I am where I am today because of what I went through. Thank you for giving me the courage to share my testimony with you.
by Nicole | Oct 19, 2020 | Stories From My Friends
For the last few years I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. Two years ago, I moved up to Tampa for my dream job in ministry. Due to my actions, I was let go. I eventually found a new church and job and girlfriend and in my mind, thought everything was great. I wasn’t focusing on Jesus and my relationship with God and I stopped going to church, lost my job, and ended up using drugs. I was so low one night, I tried to end my life. The months after that night, I wrestled with my faith and started seeing a therapist. I was constantly thinking about my sins and how messed up I was and got to a point where I was just empty. I felt like a shell, so far from God. Then one day, driving out of no where I feel something tell me to look at the sky. And it was the most beautiful sunset. And it was this overwhelming feeling where what I was seeing was so amazing that I couldn’t focus on my sins anymore. And it was like getting hit with a truck that I realized: The more I focus on how messed up and sinful I am, all I’m doing is falling deeper in depression and helplessness. But when I focus on Jesus, how amazing, loving, and powerful He is, I realize He is big enough to cover my sins. And I was reminded of this and instantly that empty feeling and depression was gone. Regardless of beliefs or where whoever is reading this is at, Jesus died for you and is big enough to carry you out of this season.
by Nicole | Oct 16, 2020 | Stories From My Friends
I suffered from depression and didn’t even know it. When I found out, I was embarrassed…didn’t even tell my husband. It’s people like you who have helped me to accept my depression for what it truly is and to work it for the good.
by Nicole | Oct 16, 2020 | Stories From My Friends
I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I’m not enough. From the moment I was born, I was a disappointment. Dramatic, I know, but let me explain. My father was a multi-generation dairy farmer and I was (gulp) the first girl. I was never strong enough, fast enough, big enough, fill in the blank enough to be truly useful for the family business. I know my brothers thought I had it good but I often felt like Joseph; outcast by his own family. Fast forward to grade school and I found myself alone again. Not only did the lovely scent of my nearby farm leave its mark on all three of my childhood schools but I was completely clueless on how to fit in with the “normal” kids. My life revolved around the family business so any movies or tv show or trends the kids were into weren’t even a blip on my radar. Three months before my high school graduation and my ticket to a new identity everything took a turn for the worse. See, on top of all the before mentioned struggles, my father was a very abusive alcoholic. Every day we lived in fear of what state our father would be in. After 16 DUIs, thousands of dollars spent on bail bonds, and only the good Lord knows how many public altercations, it eventually all caught up to him. He was sentenced to three years in prison and unfortunately with that came a “vacancy” notice and a take over from the state that left us and six other families homeless and penniless overnight. I spent the next few years doing everything I could to keep my head above the water. I found myself staying extremely busy, working three jobs at one point, and taking some nearby community college courses. One day a dreamy Marine found himself at my table in the bar I worked at in the evenings. His persistent pursuit of my heart eventually won me over and I found myself following him across the country and married a few months later. I felt like I could finally breathe and discover my own identity that wasn’t chained to my father! Fast-forward to a deployment and surprising pregnancy later, my body started to recall the traumas of the past. All of my bloodwork and testing pointed to an “abnormal” pregnancy and I was encouraged to “rethink” it. Little did I, nor the doctors, know that it was actually my body attacking itself and thus was the start of a continuous journey through several health discoveries. Today I have been diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases which studies have shown can be caused or worsened by traumas and mental health issues. I have the great opportunity to connect with other woman as they fight through their past and push forward toward a better and healthier future. I am, by far, nowhere close to having it all together and to be honest most days I still feel like the Israelites wandering the desert waiting impatiently on God to reveal His next plan for me. I still wake up everyday in fear. Fear of being left behind because of the limitations two diseases have on my physical and mental state. Fear of not being enough because my body decides what I can and can not do each morning and struggles to keep up with the consistent fast pace and unrealistic expectations this world puts on us. I will say though that my life is full of surprises and God has placed the most amazing support group around me to remind me everyday that I AM ENOUGH!
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