Hi, I’m Nicole Golden
Wife. Mom of Four. Author. Podcast Host. Mental Health Advocate. Actor and Model.
Here’s my story…
I grew up in a legalistic, fundamental home.
You wanna talk church trauma? The fallout of purity culture? I’m your girl. Alcohol, playing cards, movie theaters and dancing were on the “Do Not Do” list. I never went to my prom, I didn’t have a glass of wine until I was 24, and I still don’t know how to play solitaire.
I learned to be a perfectionist and a people-pleaser.
Everyone is so afraid of kids rebelling. What about the kids who stuffing and hiding because they are afraid of disappointing people? Hi. That’s me. Everyone loved me, but I didn’t like me. I conformed to what I knew people wanted – and it worked! I got all the praise and accolades. The tradeoff was I always felt like something was “off” inside of me. I could never relax. I was always scared. I didn’t know who I was.
At age 25, I had a nervous, emotional breakdown.
A few months after I got married, Sh$% hit the fan and I fell apart. I was desperately sad and incredibly angry. But I didn’t know why. We didn’t have any context for mental illness at the time, so we were at a loss as to how to “fix” me.
I got into therapy.
I grew up believing counseling and medication and mental illness were all excuses, fake news. But now that I was a walking nightmare, I decided to give therapy a shot as a last resort. I’m still with the same counselor, eleven years later!
At age 26, I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and Borderline Personality Disorder.
My diagnoses were a relief – I finally had the answers as to why I was always on edge, angry, sad, and unable to relax. I also knew my life didn’t have to stay this way – I could start to learn how to get healthy.
At age 30, I was put on Lexapro.
For three years, I did well. My breakdowns were a thing of the past and I was in a really good place. Then I had my second child, my first boy, and it was like I went back to ground zero. So, my doctor put me on Lexapro.
My brother committed suicide January 2019.
After a couple year battle with opioids, rehab, and cancer, my brother took his own life. A few months later, my mother-in-law passed away from Alzheimer’s Disease. If 2019 taught me anything, it was that my time was NOW. I had to start sharing my story so that people would know that no matter how dark it feels, if they just keep walking, the light is coming.
Now, I have my own website, podcast, and am pursuing publishing, modeling, and acting dreams!
When we get healthy, we can embrace our true selves. I feel like I am FINALLY being who I was created to be and pursuing what I designed to pursue!
I’ve been married for 11 years and have 4 kids.
My greatest calling is to be a wife and mom. I’ve had to learn to lean into my husband’s unconditional love. I’ve had to work through the fear and guilt that my children may struggle with mental illness. I love my husband and my four kids. Make sure you follow me on Instagram – Be warned: We cray.