Sometimes I just feel like I’m owed. You know what I mean? Like everyone should see just how hard and long I’m working without any complaining (at least no “outward” complaining – but that’s good enough sometimes, right?). I am craving being noticed. Complimented. Praised. Loved. Needed. Seen. Sometimes we just pour out everything we have and if we got the kind of reactions we are working for and think we deserve, it wouldn’t be so hard. But when we don’t, it sucks.
And it sucks even more when we realize that this reveals something about our hearts: That it’s not about Jesus. It’s all about us. Me. Ugh. Smh (it took me FOREVER to figure out what that stood for -“Shaking my head” for those of you who are like me).
The holidays seem to accentuate the ugliness. We decorate, bake, buy, dress, wrap, clean, perform, entertain – we do it all. So much of it is for those we love, absolutely. But how much of it, honestly, is to prove something to ourselves, our families, our parents, our exes, our ______________?
The problem is, when people don’t appreciate all of our hard work, we tend to get resentful and bitter. I mean, not hardcore. But like passive aggressive. Oof. When God graciously lets us have “out of body” experiences and see just how badly we are treating people, we have a choice…We can continue to act like people are our pawns sent here to serve us. Or, we can practice the truth in this verse from Scripture:
“Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus…”
Life was NEVER about Jesus. It was NEVER about being noticed or seen. It was ALL about GOD the FATHER and saving me. The me who would try to make life all about her – especially when things aren’t going her way. Ouch.
Jesus, help me. I don’t want to live for myself. I want YOU to live through me. Change my heart. Give me Yours. I want to love and serve others the way You love and serve me. Help me to be in the moment and to enjoy those around me by serving them.
Zach Rippey has been one of my friends for over seven years! He has an incredible story of becoming a single dad before he was 20, marrying the woman of his dreams, raising two amazing boys, and getting into comedy, ministry, and podcasting!
We live in such a hurried culture. I think the Pandemic slowed us down a bit, but as the holidays approach, it is so easy to overbook and overextend. I just thought I would take a few minutes to share some practical things we do as a family to practice rest…and yes, it is a “practice”. We don’t come by rest naturally. We are constantly striving and proving, and trying. Hence our addiction to busyness and caffeine.
Disclaimer: I am not tooting my own horn here, nor are we perfect at this all of the time. It takes communication. Compromise. Tweaking. It also depends on the season of life you are in. So take a deep breath and realize your life does not need to look like my life. But your life does require rest…so here’s a few ideas:
Bryant and I both remove social media from our phones in the evenings and on Fridays or Saturdays and anytime we are on an extended vacation. And wow. The difference that has made. You have to know yourself. And speaking for myself here, I know that I am much too nosy and too easily carry other people’s burdens that access to Facebook 24/7 just doesn’t work for me. Instagram makes me feel like I’m falling behind sometimes. Social media can consume my life. We have seriously noticed a difference in our own peaceful existences since we cut back and cut it off in the evenings. I hope this is a safe place cause I’ve also noticed I stay on budget when I cut back on Social Media (mind blown emoji here).
We say no. A lot. We are a family of six. And we determined before we ever started having children that our marriage and our kids would be our two greatest investments. We do our best not to have any commitments in the evenings. If we have to, we limit it to two a week. Other than that, Bryant is home every evening by dinner time at the latest. We also made the commitment that I would be a stay-at-home mom. So, we have learned to live on less. And it works! Bryant keeps a tight budget where we give, save, and live off of the rest and I am so appreciative (and yes, believe it or not, a budget does contribute to rest)!!! Bryant and I do make time for friends, but we probably wouldn’t be considered social butterflies. We realize this season with our kids is one of the most crucial and so our social lives are mainly consumed with our family and a few close friends. That hasn’t always been the most popular decision, but it has paid off for our marriage and our family.
We have designated “Rest Days”. Bryant decided a few years ago to start taking Friday off. He feels much more alive and relaxed come Friday than he did taking Monday off. So Friday we just hang. I turn my phone off. Bryant puts his on silent and keeps it in the bedroom the majority of the day. And it is awesome! I am going to tell you, for us, in the beginning, taking a day off was sometimes hard work and a major trust issue. But we know that God mandated this and we have so experienced the benefits of it that we make rest an HUGE priority. And now, it’s second nature! We know that God calls us to work hard and to do our best. Then He comes in and fills the gaps as we rest. It’s awesome! Our family, church, and personal lives benefit and are the proof of what God does when we follow in obedience to this command to rest. It is a chance for us to declare our dependence on God and to remind ourselves that He is ultimately in charge and responsible for whatever He has called us to. It is our way to surrender.\
We go away together, just the two of us, at least four times a year. This practice has been INCREDIBLE for our marriage! It takes budgeting, saving, and planning. But it is one hundred percent worth it. I hear so many couples bemoan the fact that they have lost themselves and don’t even feel like they friends anymore. That’s because you can get so distracted with kids and busyness that you forget who you were before all of it. We make sure when we go away, we stay away long enough to unwind, have fun, and then miss the kids…so usually 4-5 days. The more often you go, the less amount of time you need to be away. But this has been so fun and healthy for us! We also try to have regular date nights. And if we don’t get out, we spend every evening together just relaxing after the kids go to bed. It is delightful!!! The kids go to bed early so that we can have to unwind and rest.
Bryant has already scheduled time off for this year. He does this in advance so it happens on purpose and doesn’t get overlooked. He also makes sure he communicates with his assistants his openings for the week. He doesn’t counsel everyone (notice I didn’t say anyone). He doesn’t answer every phone call, text and email he gets at night after he gets home. In fact, he doesn’t even get work emails to his phone. He guards his days off. And that is why he is such a good husband, father, and Pastor. He is not a frazzled, drained mess. He is rested both physically and spiritually so he can care for the family and Church God has entrusted him with. And I know a couple thousand people who are extremely grateful. Something he does do that I just think is awesome is after he preaches on Sunday, he hangs in the worship center so he can meet and talk with people. He also sits in the back during worship before he preaches. I have seen so many grown men walk past him and give him the biggest bear hug ever.
We make time to get spiritually refreshed. We both spend time reading and try to keep each other accountable with that. We also love attending conferences together and sharing podcasts. Yes, we are nerds. But we realize the importance of staying above the waters spiritually. And so we make that a priority. For me personally, it’s tricky finding the time and the energy, if I’m being honest. But I know my soul craves time with Jesus so whether that’s a prayer time while I’m running or a quick chapter read before bed, I am working on making this a priority.
We limit our schedules. I am a wife and a mom. Whatever time I have left, I schedule wisely remembering my best has to go to my family. I have said no to other engagements, outings, and hobbies (I mean, that’s extreme – I workout, I write…I just mean I’m not out painting the town). It’s not always easy, but I know it’s best. And I know it’s just a season. I remember that my kids are my greatest contributions to Eternity. I realize that by caring for my husband and making home a safe place, I energize him to reach others with the Gospel. And that is enough for me.
So, those are just a few things. I could add more to the list: Like we both have certain routines at night to help us unplug and unwind, we make everyday errands an adventure, and we constantly try to stay thankful. But the biggest thing I think you need to come away with is this is a lifestyle that will enable you to worship God more consistently and effectively. By saying yes to the right things and no to the excess things, you are actually going to further your influence. So take some time to figure out what your priorities are. If you are a parent, remember your kids are watching. Their lives are being shaped by the decisions you are making. That’s sobering.
Remember, Rest is a trust issue. Are you brave enough to do something about it?
Dale Golden is actually my father-in-law and although I am biased, everyone would agree, is an INCREDIBLE man! We lost mom, Dale’s wife of 53 years, last year in September. We talk about grief and walking through all of the firsts.
When we were working on this website, I told the designers that I wanted to make sure that this was not only a safe place for women, but also for men.
Did you know that according to Psychology Today, 75% of suicide victims are men? A man will kill himself every 20 minutes. Did you also know that men abuse substances at a rate of 3 to 1? These facts are incredibly personal to me because my brother was addicted to pain pills and committed suicide. He was often times too embarrassed to get the help he needed and then too angry to hear the help he was offered. I wonder how many of you are in that same boat?
I’ve had several conversations with men in the past few weeks regarding mental health. Each of these guys is hurting, but feels helpless and alone for various reasons:
They are afraid to be vulnerable.
Society tells them they can’t be weak.
Culture says they have to be the main breadwinners.
Mental health is an emotional issue and men aren’t emotional.
Men can compartmentalize so they don’t struggle with anxiety and depression.
They can’t keep leaning on their spouses or they will leave.
The harrowing fact of the matter is each of the above reasons are contributing factors as to why men are not seeking and/or getting help. They are suffering in silence. Mental Health has been stigmatized for so long – and woman started to break through the stigma – but I feel like we’ve left the men high and dry.
Men, I am writing this to you. I think the first step in you getting help is “Acceptance“. Society and culture have taught that you are responsible to fix everything while still remaining in control of all of your emotions. Emotional men are weak. Unstable. Insecure. Unable to lead. We’ve told you to stuff all of your feelings deep inside and refused you the time and space to process. Then we wonder why you withdraw, check out, leave, drink, get addicted, have affairs, get angry.
I know some of you are suffering. You are hurting so badly and you are so confused. Why would a good God allow this? Why can’t He fix it? Why can’t you fix it? Have you done enough to try? Is there something else to try? Some of you feel so numb, you aren’t even sure you believe in God anymore. You are angry at yourself and that anger is getting taken out on everyone close to you. You don’t know how to talk to your loved ones about any of this because you feel like all you’ve done is take advantage of them. You wonder how much longer they will put up with you.
Acceptance. You are broken. There is not a blasted thing you can do about it. We are all broken: We live in a broken world. We won’t be fixed this side of Heaven. Jesus never promised that…so you thinking you will pray, read, attend or work this away is just not true. God is not withholding healing from you because He doesn’t think you deserve it. He believes you deserve LIFE, that’s why He sent His Son to die on the cross for your brokenness, so you could have Jesus’s life!But you have to stop fighting against your brokenness and learn to lean into it.Lean into your weakness. Don’t you remember what Paul said in the Scriptures? When he was at his weakest, he was at his strongest. How can that be? Because there is freedom in letting down the façade. You spend so much energy fighting your brokenness, hiding your brokenness, ignoring your brokenness. When you finally accept your brokenness, you can begin to use your energy to get healthy…to process the past, to understand the present and to anticipate the future. You can begin to discover your triggers and what landmines to avoid with your friends, spouses, and families. You can begin to fight against the generational baggage and offer your marriage and your children something that was never offered to you: Forgiveness, Grace, Freedom.
You know you aren’t the only man battling mental illness. Statistics say thousands upon thousands of men are suffering in silence. What if we came around you and supported you and cheered you on as you began to accept your past and who you are today and then you fight for the health of your future? What if you stopped living as a victim to your past and started pursuing the health of your future?
What does this look like?
It looks like reaching out.
It looks like communicating.
It looks like community.
It looks like counseling.
It looks like vulnerability.
And I know for most of you, that doesn’t look fun. But what is your alternative? In an effort to look strong, are you going to lose your family? Your sanity? Your finances? Your job? Your friends? Your life? We are here and we are cheering you on, men! Real strength is found in admitting weakness. In owning weakness. And then in healing that weakness. So, are you ready? Let’s get after it together!
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