by Nicole | Nov 11, 2020 | Brokenness, Forgiveness, Stress
So we’ve been talking all about forgiveness (go back and read Forgiveness Part 1 if you haven’t already). Let’s dive back in and continue…
Once I claim Jesus’ death and resurrection as my only hope for Salvation, I receive Christ’s life: His past, present, future all become mine. When God sees me, He sees Jesus. I have nothing to prove to Him. I don’t have to earn His approval. I have it. That’s why Paul says in Galatians, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery…or Christ will be of no advantage to you.”
So how does Christ become an “advantage” for us? He frees us up! We don’t need to walk around tied up in knots by anger, bitterness, and hatred of ourselves or of others! We realize that Christ gave up His rights and laid down His life to redeem us. He nailed our offenses to His cross. And not only did He nail our offenses, He nailed the offenses of those who have hurt us to His cross. We have no right to refuse forgiveness to people God has already forgiven, whether or not they ask for it. Oof.
If I do not believe I am forgiven and loved by God, I will not be able to forgive and love other people. If I only have head knowledge of the forgiveness and grace (I know the verses) and don’t actually believe and experience them (live them), then I am just as screwed (I sat and tried to think of another way to put that, but I couldn’t. Sorry).
When I accepted Jesus as my Savior at four years old, I really didn’t grasp His forgiveness and grace. I mean, c’mon…I was four and the worst thing I had done is lie about my ruffle underwear (my mom had this thing about me wearing ruffle underwear on Sundays and I HATED it). I knew I was going to Hell and instead wanted to spend eternity with Jesus (just a word here to all of my fundamental legalists: Those who say “If someone’s main concern at his/her time of Salvation is just to escape Hell may not truly be saved”, get over yourselves and read the Bible. Jesus spoke four times more about Hell then Heaven and so obviously wanted people to realize the severity of it in hopes that they would not want to go there. It is people like you who made me terrified for years that I may not be saved when I most certainly am. Thanks). Anyways… 🙂
While I am thankful that I accepted Jesus as my Savior at a young age, I had a head knowledge of God’s grace, but not the experimental knowledge. I grew up thinking that I was “okay” because I had not committed any of the “really bad sins”. However, when I got into college and my young adult years, I began to realize that when I failed, and failed miserably, I had a hard time accepting the fact that I truly was forgiven and already had God’s favor and so didn’t need to live defeated and/or in fear. But isn’t that the Gospel? It wasn’t until that first year of marriage when I had utterly destroyed my reputation and who I thought I was completely disintegrated that I realized I had nothing to offer Jesus for His forgiveness. I could only receive it. And it’s that same forgiveness that I can extend to those who hurt me.
Chuck Swindoll says, “Truth be told, it’s God’s forgiveness of us that makes possible our forgiving others…It’s important to understand that we can never forgive others, horizontally, if not for what Christ has already done for us, vertically. Not until we fully accept and appropriate God’s infinite and complete forgiveness on our behalf can we carry out the tough assignment of forgiving others…To refuse to forgive is hypocritical. Because we have been the recipients of maximum mercy, who are we to suddenly demand justice from others? The compassion that God demonstrates on our behalf calls for us to do the same toward others. Anything less is downright hypocritical.”
This is tough stuff. Please know, I am wrestling through this stuff (let’s be honest, this crap) with you. It sucks. But, we have to get our hands dirty and “Get ‘er done!” So, let’s talk through some steps to take if we want to get down and dirty and forgive others. Once again, Swindoll gives us some guidance based on God’s Word.
- “Focus fully on God’s forgiveness of you (Psalm 103; Psalm 116).”
Swindoll says, “The extent to which you can envision God’s forgiveness of you, to that same measure you will be given the capacity to forgive others.” If I am spending all of my energy praising God and basking in the freedom of His forgiveness and grace for me, I am not going to have any time and emotion left over to be bitter. You are going to get sick and tired of me saying this, but I don’t care: You have to preach the Gospel to yourself! Forgiveness seems so unfair until you realize what God did for you through Christ was infinitely unfair.
- “Deal directly and honestly with any resentment you currently hold against anyone.” Oh no.
“That is one of the most regrettable mistakes a Christian can make. Limited forgiveness is like conditional love – a poor substitute for the genuine item. It’s no forgiveness at all.” Chuck went there. God takes my sin from me…I am not defined by it. How can I not do this for someone else or, more importantly, believe it for myself???
When you are dealing with forgiving someone else, you don’t have to think about his/her offense and then pretend like it never happened. Nope. Name his/her offense. Realize this person stole something from you. Determine what that is (a childhood, marriage, job, relationship, memory, innocence, virginity, etc). Come on…go there. Now, brace yourself: Can he/she ever pay you back fully as though it never happened? Can they ever give you a proper explanation as to why they did what they did? Can they? You have to honestly answer these questions. Why? Because it ultimately is going to help you. You hang on to the pain because you think it is going to somehow justify what happened. And, you are going to make the other person pay by withholding the relationship. Or you are afraid if you let it all go completely, the other person is going to get away with whatever he/she did. But none of those thoughts are true. You can never be paid back and that person’s suffering isn’t going to do it for you. And you have no control over consequences or what happens to that person anyways. That doesn’t mean you convince yourself that it never happened. No, it did. But you aren’t going to hold it against the person anymore and make them pay for it because they never can and it will only torment you. Do you want to live tormented? I never said this was going to be easy. Christ’s death on the cross certainly wasn’t.
Remember, forgiveness is always for you, not for the other person. Forgiveness allows us to heal and then to live in freedom. But it’s a choice to really believe that the Gospel is true and then to live it. It takes courage. So, how brave are you?
Chip Ingram says Forgiveness is made up of three parts: Forgive, Forgiving, and Forgiven.
You make the initial decision to forgive. Then every time you get angry or bitter, you forgive again and again (“forgiving” is the “momentary forgiveness” we talked about before). Then, at some point down the road, you will realize that you have forgiven…that person’s name gets brought up and you don’t experience the torment anymore. Realize though, sometimes this take years and years.
I want to say one more thing before we end this series on forgiveness: I am not speaking here to abuse victims of any kind. You will need to work through forgiveness in therapy and counseling because you will need to be wise about setting up boundaries and protection. It is absolutely possible to heal from abuse, but you will need to walk through that abuse with a community.
by Nicole | Nov 4, 2020 | Brokenness, Forgiveness, Stress
Nothing stirs up the crap the of our past like the H O L I D A Y S. #amiright? O to the M to the G. Fam, this can be “the most wonderful time of the year” and it can be the most stressful time of the year. Some of you will be forced into the same rooms of those who have hurt you and hurt you bad. Some of you will be sharing children. Some of you will be looking across the tables at empty seats. Nothing like “forced family time” to remind you of all you do and do not have.
So, Happy Holidays! haha (insert hand on head emoji here). Seriously though, I LOOOOOOVE this time of year. My Christmas decor is almost all up. But I wanted to take some time and share a few blogs I’ve written on forgiveness. I think some of us need to take a “Forgiveness Refresher Course” and remind ourselves what forgiveness is and isn’t as we enter into a season where we will inevitably rub shoulders with people we just don’t care for.
Ten years, we went to Georgia and met with a couple who does intensive counselling with married couples who have hit a dead end individually and relationally. You spend two or three days delving into your pain and learning about all that Jesus has done to redeem you and your pain. On the last day, we were given an assignment: We had to write down the name of every person we needed to forgive. Here’s what you need to understand: I was ANGRY. I took a personality test before arriving and I scored the highest you could score on anger. They had never seen anything like it. So needless to say, I was overwhelmed with the task at hand. Certain names came quickly…others surprised me. But I think the name I wrestled with the most was MINE.
This was the prep work for what was coming. Later that evening, we would sit each of the people on our list down in a red chair. We’d look them in the eyes (I mean, they weren’t really there…but as far as I was concerned, they were there) and read off our list of grievances and then say we chose to forgive them. It was a way to say what we needed to say and then to shred the evidence and be free.
Except I couldn’t be totally free…because I was always with me.
Here’s the key to forgiveness: If you don’t accept God’s forgiveness for yourself and if you haven’t forgiven you, you will never be able to forgive other people. Let me say it another way: If you do not bask in God’s grace daily for yourself, then you will not be able to offer God’s grace unconditionally to others.
If you were like me, then you probably don’t fully understand what forgiveness is and means. We hear all the time, “Forgive and forget”. We even teach people that the verse in Psalms that says God removes our sins as far as the East is from the West means that He forgets. But we forget that it’s impossible for God to forget. No, what that verse really means is that He removes the shame and guilt and identity of those sins from us as far as the East is from the West. And that right there friends is what so many of us need to hear.
When I talk to people who are walking through dark seasons, almost to a person there is a sense of complete failure. They feel as though they have failed the people closest to them, they feel like they have failed God, and they have failed themselves. They cannot get past the guilt and pain of unfulfilled expectations. This was not supposed to be. They are surprised by themselves and cannot get past the haunting questions of will they ever be the same again? Will people still be able to love them? Is God disappointed?
We are fully aware of how bad we are. But we are also so good at masking it and when our defenses go down and our depravity rears its ugly head, we are humiliated and treat ourselves the way we believe we should be treated: As utter disappointments. We punish ourselves by never allowing ourselves to move out from under the labels we have given ourselves. And so we imprison ourselves and keep ourselves from living the abundant life Jesus promises in the Scriptures.
See, forgiveness is being completely honest about whatever was stolen from you: A season, a friend, a parent, an identity, confidence, sexuality, whatever it is. And then it’s realizing that whatever was stolen from you cannot ever be given back. So making the person pay for whatever was stolen is futile. It’s only hurting you. It’s keeping you shackled to the pain when you have a whole life of promise to be living! When it comes to forgiving ourselves, we have to be honest and realize that we cannot change the past or right the wrongs. But what we can do is change our futures. So you need to ask yourself, “What did I steal from myself?” Or, “What do I owe me?” If we stay where we are and just live in the pity party, we will forever make the same mistakes and stay stuck. But if we choose to forgive ourselves, accept God’s forgiveness and seek healing, then we can change our futures and actually live the lives Jesus planned for us. But it’s up to you. You will choose what you will do.
Refusing to forgive leaves us, our presents, and our futures in bondage. Jesus explained this in Matthew 18, you know, the famous parable about the servants?
“At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, ‘Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?’ Jesus replied, ‘Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven. The kingdom of God is like a king who decided to square accounts with his servants. As he got under way, one servant was brought before him who had run up a debt of a hundred thousand dollars. He couldn’t pay up, so the king ordered the man, along with his wife, children, and goods, to be auctioned off at the slave market. The poor wretch threw himself at the king’s feet and begged, ‘Give me a chance and I’ll pay it all back.’ Touched by his plea, the king let him off, erasing the debt. The servant was no sooner out of the room when he came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him ten dollars. He seized him by the throat and demanded, ‘Pay up. Now!’ The poor wretch threw himself down and begged, ‘Give me a chance and I’ll pay it all back.’ But he wouldn’t do it. He had him arrested and put in jail until the debt was paid. When the other servants saw this going on, they were outraged and brought a detailed report to the king. The king summoned the man and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn’t you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?’ The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that’s exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn’t forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”
The first servant owed way more than he was ever going to be able to repay. So, the King “erased the debt”. I love that. The debt no longer existed. When the King saw the servant, he didn’t see the debt anymore. It was gone. The servant couldn’t pay it back anyways. However, the servant didn’t truly believe the King had erased the debt. Instead, he thought the King was just buying him time to pay it back. Why else would he attack his friend (“fellow servant”) who only owed $10? The first servant knew in his heart of hearts he owed the King what was rightly due him. He felt compelled to pay him back due to his pride and embarrassment that his debt had gotten so out of control. In an effort to save face, he attacks his co-worker. The first servant is taking out his anger for himself at falling short on his friend. Well, he did it in front of a crowd and the King was quickly informed. Angry that the servant did not appreciate his forgiveness, he threw him in prison. Other translations say the servant was tormented there. Let me explain something that often gets mistranslated. God is not going to refuse forgiveness to you if you do not offer it to others. He can’t. That’s contradictory to His character. However, you will live inwardly tormented and in bondage until you release the other person from the debt he/she owes you. You will never truly know peace and experience God’s forgiveness of you if you cannot extend that same forgiveness to someone else. Chuck Swindoll explains it this way, Jesus “is saying the one who refuses to forgive, the Christian who harbors grudges, bitter feelings toward another, will be turned over to torturous thoughts, feelings of misery, and agonizing unrest within. It is one of the horrible consequences of not forgiving those who offend us…Believe me; it is not worth the misery. We are to forgive as we have been forgiven! Release the poison of all that bitterness…let it gush out before God, and declare the sincere desire to be free.”
This is especially true when we refuse to forgive ourselves. We live tormenting ourselves and then that anger gets taken out on those closest to us. You know the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.”
So here’s what I want to leave you with today: Jesus is not surprised by your mess. Not even in the least. Why do you think He died on the cross for you? Because you deserved it? Oh sweet friend, He knows we don’t deserve it. Romans says there is “none righteous” and explains that when we were in the middle of our biggest failure, our worst regret, that is when Christ died for us. We have to accept His forgiveness for us and then we have to extend that forgiveness to ourselves. We can’t go back and make the past better or make sense. We can only live in this moment. So can you, right here, right now, accept Christ’s forgiveness for yourself and can you begin to see you as God sees you? He doesn’t see your messes. Your brokenness. He sees Jesus and all of His perfection. Practice “Momentary Forgiveness”: Giving yourself forgiveness in this moment and then extending that forgiveness to the next moment and the next.
More on forgiveness to come…
by Nicole | Oct 28, 2020 | Brokenness, Mental Health
I put up this statement from Jon Acuff the other day: “Self sabotage is when you drill holes in your own ship because the trip is going so well that you feel uncomfortable because someone or something taught you that you don’t deserve smooth sailing.” So many of you shared how you related to that post that I decided to blog about it. Yay us!
Our society hinges acceptance on performance. In other words, if you say the right things, do the right things, and look the right way, you are rewarded with promotions, accolades, raises, attention, and relationships. When we aren’t meeting the unattainable bar of success that our world has instituted, then we feel like failures and are surprised when anything good happens to us.
We are so used to falling short of the “status quo”, that we don’t feel like we deserve anything good. The problem is the “status quo” we are attempting to meet is always changing and absolutely absurd. Unfortunately, Social Media allows us to paint pictures as though we are “keeping up with the Joneses” and now we are all overwhelmed, in debt, exhausted, frazzled, annoyed, lonely, and angry. Yikes.
So how in the world do we hit pause and then reset what it means to be confident and to feel good and to experience peace? I think a couple of things are at play here.
1. We have to redefine what “Success” looks like.
What does success mean to you? Honestly answer this question even if the answer is embarrassing. Is it money? A big house? Stylish clothes? Popular kids? Talent? A big promotion? What is it? Bryant and I had this discussion when we first started talking about having kids. We decided that success for us would be having good relationships with our kids after they all left the house. I am 100% dead serious. We knew that kids are often the casualties of ministry and we refused to let that happen. So every decision we make about our Church, personal ministries, finances, free time, relationships…every decision is filtered through whether or not it will help us to foster lasting relationships with our kids.
2. We have to figure out why we never feel like we are good enough.
Were you held to high standards as a kid? Are you constantly comparing yourself to other people? Does someone make you feel less than? Did you fail once and you’ve never recovered? Are you speaking negatively to yourself? Again, you have to get embarrassingly honest. If the answer to these questions unearths quite a bit of emotion and baggage, now would be the appropriate time to get into counselling and to start to heal from these experiences. Until you figure out why you are feeling less than, you will never feel enough.
3. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.
If you have never read Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly, stop everything you are doing and go and get that book! She writes about shame and vulnerability and it will wreck you in the best way. She explains that we are absolutely terrified of vulnerability, and “good things” make us feel exposed, so that’s why “good things” make us uncomfortable. We live in a broken world where “bad things” happen. Those “bad things” terrify us. And so in an effort to protect ourselves from being caught off guard by “bad things”, we either create those bad things ourselves or we constantly feel anxious because we are consumed with thinking about them. Both of these scenarios are a way for us to feel “in control” of the “bad things”. Except, we aren’t in control. Listen to me right now, my brother committed suicide less than TWO WEEKS after Christmas. Can you imagine how miserable those few weeks would have been for my family if all I did was obsess about “bad things” happening? And the “bad thing” would have still happened, except at that point, I’d have no emotional margin left to handle it. Instead, we had an INCREDIBLE Christmas, even though it looked very different with Bryant’s mom in the hospital (oh yeah, that “bad thing” was happening too). That gave me the strength to lean into Jesus through the nightmare of Eric’s suicide.
After you walk through trauma, it is hard to teach your mind to embrace the moment and the good things that come your way. You are afraid they won’t last or that you will be caught off guard and completely overwhelmed with feelings of betrayal and loss. This has got to break Jesus’s heart. Think of all of this in terms of being a parent: You love your kids. Yes, they live in a broken world where they are going to get hurt. But you nurture them and keep them as safe as you can and give them good things cause you want them to be safe, loved, and to feel worthy of that security and love. This is EXACTLY what Jesus wants for us!!! You can’t think of Him in terms of your earthly parents – cause some of them got parenting and life so wrong. Think of Jesus in terms of the parent you aspire to be. Now take this a step further: What if every time you went to make your kids happy, they only responded with fear and anxiety and anger? Wouldn’t that break your heart and concern you? But this is exactly what we do to God. So just imagine how He feels when He tries to give us good things and we refuse to enjoy them.
4. You have to trust God and live in the moment. We don’t trust that God is going to give us what we need when we need it. Instead, we think we have to prepare ourselves for “bad things” and so we expend mental and emotional energy in the preparation and that only depletes us. We aren’t ready to face anything hard because we haven’t been replenishing with the good. We haven’t been accepting the gifts God gives us, so we don’t think He will be able to give us the grace we need for the difficult times. You see how deadly cyclical this is? Do you see how crafty the Enemy is? It actually makes me angry. Choose to be in this moment. Kevin, my counselor always explains that in THIS MOMENT, you are safe. Take a deep breath – let the air really fill your lungs. Now exhale slowly and go over everything you are thankful for and all the things you are free to enjoy in this moment. And then move into the next moment and then the next. You only have the strength for right now. Don’t spend it on what’s next.
5. You have to love yourself. YOU are an incredible person. You have gifts and abilities and talents and insight that only YOU can have. Your life experiences have made you into such a unique individual with a very specific race to run. You deserve good things because you were made in the Image of God and He is good. Yes, we are all broken because of sin. Yes, we are all sinners (and all my legalist friends say a collective, “Amen!”), but this “Woe is me, I’m such a sinful person and only deserve Hell, but for the grace of Jesus” is bullcrap. That’s not the abundant life Jesus came to give us. OMG. Get a grip. We’ve modeled and taught that godliness is self deprecation. Oh my loves, nothing could be further from the truth. Scriptures teach that the two most important commands in all of Scripture are to love God and to love people…as we love ourselves. If we aren’t loving ourselves, how can we love people? We just can’t. When you are self-deprecating, you will automatically look to other people to make yourself feel better. You’ll use people, demean people, isolate yourself from people, compare yourself to people, cling to people, all in an effort to make yourself feel loved, accepted, worthy, and secure. Can you imagine what would happen if we instead looked to Jesus – if we allowed Him to be our identity and not what we do, say, look like, make? Then we wouldn’t need to get our worth from anyone or anything else. We wouldn’t think we did or didn’t deserve certain things. We could just live in the moment be grateful for what God gives us.
None of this is easy, fam. If it were, we’d all be doing it and I bet we’d all be much happier. But we can What About Bob it and take baby steps. What are one or two points that you can begin to practice today? I’ll tell you, I am still working on making sure my identity is in Jesus and not in my physical appearance (weight) or my house’s appearance. I’m just being real. But being real and vulnerable is the catalyst to lasting change. So what’s it for you? Would you share in the comments?
by Nicole | Oct 21, 2020 | Brokenness, Mental Health, Motherhood, Parenting
I get asked a lot about kids. More specifically, about how to make sure our kids don’t get our crazy…you know what I mean? When we were pregnant with Brooke, I was so afraid that she would struggle with anxiety and depression and Borderline as she grew. I remember talking to Kevin about it in one of our sessions. He encouraged me by saying that more often than not, the parents who are actively seeking counseling for their mental illnesses are less likely to pass those along to their children. Why? Because the parents are healing and are on high alert for any signs that their children may also need extra help in processing certain situations.
I’ll never forget taking Brooke to the doctor when she was around four or five. We had to go to a different doctor’s office due to health insurance reasons (gotta love Health Insurance, #amiright). Brooke was LOSING HER MIND about getting shots (as any child does) and the doctor said, nonchalantly, “You may need to have her seen about her anxiety.” HOLD THE PHONE…WHAT? I was LIVID that a doctor would throw anxiety around like that – especially because I was already on pins and needles about my kids ending up anxious and depressed.
But isn’t that just like the enemy? He wants to hold our labels over our heads and keep us feeling and living defeated – because if he can, THAT way of life WILL get passed on to our kids. For those of you living with the generational baggage of mental illness or brokenness, then you being honest and getting healthy are the first steps to cutting ties with the past and keeping your kids free from the tentacles of the past.
Kids are intuitive. They know when something is wrong.
A few years ago, I had a major anxiety attack on a Saturday morning. I was supposed to go somewhere with Brooke and I got so frazzled trying to get out of the door, I just lost it and left…without her (Bryant was home – I feel like that’s important to mention here. Shew). I just drove around the block and came home. When I walked in the door, she was devastated that I would leave without her. Then I heard Ryder walking around quietly crying and saying, “I burned my hand. I burned my hand.” My curling iron had been on and he grabbed it while it was super hot and when Bryant and I were both distracted with my anxiety. OHMYGOSH. I just fell apart in that moment. I had a daughter who was brokenhearted and a son who was physically hurt – all because of my anxiety. It was an eye opening experience and one that still breaks my heart. But I decided after that day that I would no longer bring my children into my attacks. If I was going to have an anxiety attack (and I was), then I was going to make the conscious decision to safely remove myself from their vicinity until I could calm down enough to not involve them.
Here’s what I will say, though: I am always very honest with them about my anxiety. If I am having a bad few days, I will let Brooke and Ryder and Braxton know (in as much detail as they can handle at their ages). I try to explain to them that mommy is feeling sick inside from anxiety, something that can make her sad and mean, but that Mr.Kevin is helping mommy, as is Daddy and Jesus. I always apologize if I’ve been hurtful or raised my voice. If I get at Bryant in front of them, I apologize for that too.
The other night as I was doing just that – apologizing for the way I had treated them due to my anxiety – Brooke got her big eyes and asked, “Am I going to get anxiety?” I burst into tears as I answered, “No, Baby Girl. Momma’s fighting really hard so you won’t get it.” Geez guys. That’s what getting healthy is all about. Working our tail ends off so we break the chains and give our kids a fighting chance.
The truth is, we live in a broken world and our kids are broken, just like us! Some of you may be concerned that your kids are battling with anxiety and depression, and if they are, THEY ARE NORMAL AND ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. Do not be ashamed to get them the extra help they may need for a season. Can you imagine how different your life would’ve been if your parents had gotten you into counseling?
If you aren’t sure if your child is truly struggling with anxiety or depression, maybe ask yourself these questions:
- Is he/she withdrawing (from friends, family, school, sports, etc)?
- Is he/she sleeping more than usual?
- Does he/she seem distracted or needing to be distracted more often than not?
- Is he/she more antsy and/or irritable than usual?
- Is he/she acting out – like you feel like all of sudden you are living with a completely different individual?
These questions aren’t inclusive. Jesus gives us parents instincts and if they are telling you something is amiss, then get your kid into counselling! We’ve taken our kids before and it has been SO HELPFUL! Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of our face. Counselors help us put the pieces together and give us direction in how to communicate and actually be heard. We want to teach our kids that seeking help is normal and good and nothing to be ashamed of!
We will end the stigma of mental illness if we stop hiding behind it. Own your brokenness. Teach your children to own theirs. Jesus shines the brightest in our weaknesses. We learn Who He is when we need Him most. Let’s model this to our children and watch what Jesus does!
by Nicole | Sep 29, 2020 | Brokenness
A friend just texted me a few minutes ago. She was wrestling with the fact that she just told her story and is now paranoid that her story is going to ruin her reputation.
Quick rabbit trail: Your story is your story. Own it! Just as Paul owned and shared about his thorn in the flesh, so should you when God says it’s time!!! Your thorn, your story, is the dark backdrop that illuminates the scandalous grace of Jesus! Preach it!
Here was my response:
You will always feel a little exposed. Even now when I talk about [my story] at times, I feel exposed because mental illness [or whatever your story is — mine just so happens to include mental illness] is just so personal. And that’s why no one talks about it. There will always be a stigma. So whenever you share, you will either free people up or cause people to look at you funny. You just have to decide which is more important to you: Their freedom or your reputation. But no one can take your character, and these struggles are what are making you into the wonderful woman that you are! So own them! But also remember that there is no rush to share everything at once. Go at your own pace. Share as much as you are ready to share. But you are NOT crazy. You are brave and courageous for facing these struggles and you are going to be FREE! You will learn through this whole process that the only opinion that matters is God’s. That sounds so cliche — but it’s true! And He has already declared you HIS — you are LOVED, ACCEPTED, WORTHY, SECURE. There is a verse in Psalms that says HE is the lifter of our heads. I love that verse!!! You can live with your head lifted high because HE is your HEALER! We all have a lot of crazy, but we want to mask it. It’s the difference between living free and living in bondage. The most free people are those who don’t hide their depravity and as a result can celebrate the absolute and extravagant goodness of the Gospel. And that right there triggers my angst: The people who cannot (will not) face their own depravity, their own failures, their own shortcomings, because I truly believe they will fall to pieces. Their perceived “good” reputation is the glue that is holding them together emotionally and if that glue ever disintegrates, they won’t know who they are anymore.
I just read this in Grace for the Good Girl by Emily P. Freeman: “Good [people] can depend on their good reputation to meet their desperate need for love.”
Dang.
Our good reputations are our identities. It’s what we are known for…good parenting, good kids, good disciplines, good behavior, good grades, good choices, good marriage, good clothes, good ministry, good church, good house, good job, good car, good vacations, good college, good work ethic, good friends, good ____________. We are good. And if we cease to be “good,” we cease to be us. So when our “goodness” is challenged, it can NEVER be our fault because then we are no longer good. Yikes. Do you see how dangerous this is? Scripture screams at us in Romans 3 that “there’s nobody living right, not even one” (MSG). And we say we believe that. But when was the last time you were brutally, uncomfortably, irrationally, absolutely nothing-to-lose honest? When?
Y’all, your “good” reputation is going to keep you living in bondage. It will isolate you. You will never be able to be fully and completely known because you won’t want anyone getting too close and potentially seeing that you aren’t good. But NO ONE IS GOOD.
If you are getting nervous thinking I am saying to flaunt your sin, then you are who this blog post is written to (read Romans 6, 7 and 8 — I guess Paul and I share the same angst). Yes yo
u, my love. And bless your heart. Be free! Own your freakin train wreck of a life because then and only then can you be healed and free and then and only then can you love like Jesus loved! And then and only then can you live the life He calls us to live!
See, if you are obsessed with goodness, then that’s all you are going to expect from yourself and from other people. And instead of sin and failure pushing you to the cross, it is going to push yo
u further away because you will feel the pressure to “fix it” yourself. You are a Gospel nightmare. Jeremiah 17:9 says we are incapable of being good. You will live an uptight, fear-driven life because of the fact that you have never experienced the scandalous love, acceptance, grace and forgiveness of Jesus even though you claim to have.
If we could only see ourselves as Christ does. Then we could live as Christ lived. But we can’t. And so we don’t. And we perpetuate that sad cycle of living to the next generation. And people are leaving the church faster than they are coming. And I don’t blame them.
Oh, that is my angst. That we would embrace honesty. Vulnerability. Gospel-preaching, grace-living, help-me-Jesus-screaming lives. ’Cause that’s what He expects. Not my goodness. No. Never that. But my utter and complete brokenness smothered in His perfect life. Only that. ’Cause only when I can stop hiding behind my goodness can He live His goodness through me.
But You, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3 (ESV)
by Nicole | Sep 29, 2020 | Brokenness, Mental Health, Parenting
So I feel like all this week, the devil has been standing in front of me with a huge sign with all my labels. You know what I mean. The past I am trying to leave just there…in the past. But I can’t this week. For some reason, I am just getting beat down. And I know I’m not the only one.
I just found out that my friend’s son accepted Jesus as his Savior. And I’ve cried all morning.
What got me most was his momma. A sweet lady whom God has completely transformed over the past several years. In fact, her and her husband’s story is one of my favorites. But she openly shared on social media that she was a little intimidated to say anything about her son’s salvation because she was afraid people would call her a hypocrite due to her past. Honestly, I understand and ache over her dilemma. I can’t tell you how many times the enemy has taunted me with my labels … especially now that I have kids. Over and over again I am reminded of what God saved me out of, and I get terrified over what I may or may not pass on to them. What if they battle with clinical depression? What if they have crippling insecurity? What if they miss God’s grace and get hung up on legalism and perfectionism? What if…??? And on and on it goes.
I guess that’s why Paul said in Philippians 3:13 (NIV), “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.” Paul had a past. He had the worst label (in my opinion) anyone can have: Murderer. I am sure as he ministered in different churches, he came face to face with family members of people he personally killed. I can’t even begin to imagine.
But remember…this is the same guy who said in Romans 8:1 (NIV): “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” How freeing.
Do I live that way?
Nah.
So what now? Philippians 3:14 (NIV) has the answer: “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
Here’s what Paul is saying in Nicole’s Translation (how cool would that be? ha): I have the awesome God-given calling of being a parent. Being a parent is modeling the grace, love and forgiveness of my heavenly Father to my family. I model that by not only living out my daily walk with God, but also being His personal ambassador to my husband and kids. It’s messy. It’s hard. It’s so worth it. My kids don’t need to see a perfect me. But they do need to see a perfect heavenly Father. And I can point them to Him with my messy past and all. In fact, I think God’s grace shines the brightest against the backdrop of brokenness.
So when the enemy cripples us from truly celebrating what Jesus Christ is beginning in our children’s lives, well then, we just need to tell him where to go. We as parents have the opportunity to begin a new legacy in our children’s lives. We get to break the chains of years of generational sin that may have run rampant in our family of origin’s past. We don’t need to be ashamed of what God has saved us out of and what He is beginning in our children’s lives and hopefully protecting them from. We don’t need to fear our labels and hang them over our heads and theirs. This is our opportunity to be a catalyst of change in the next generation. Praise God that He gave us a second chance so that we can teach our children out of our mistakes and give them a chance at a different future.
All I know is our children are our lasting legacy. Not our pasts. Be a proud momma or daddy. Hold your head up high. God is working … and your life and your precious son’s or daughter’s life is testament to that.
And you know what, God is proud of you.
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