Hi, I’m Nicole Golden
Wife. Mom of Four. Author. Podcast Host. Mental Health Advocate. Actor and Model.
Here’s my story…
I grew up in a legalistic, fundamental home.
You wanna talk church trauma? The fallout of purity culture? The destructive power of legalism? The hypocrisy of evangelicalism? I’m your girl. I didn’t kiss a boy until I was 22. I never went to my prom. My dad didn’t dance with me at my wedding. I didn’t have a glass of wine until I was 24. I still don’t know how to play solitaire – All because these things (sex, dancing, alcohol, playing cards) were considered dangerous.
I learned to be a perfectionist and a people-pleaser.
Everyone is so afraid their kids will rebel. What about the kids who stuff their emotions and hide who they are because they are afraid of disappointing people? Hi. That’s me. Everyone loved me, but I didn’t like me. I conformed to what I knew people wanted – and it worked! I got all the praise and accolades. The tradeoff was I always felt like something was “off” inside of me.
At age 25, I had a nervous, emotional breakdown.
A few months after I got married, sh$% hit the fan and I fell apart. I was desperately sad and incredibly angry. But I didn’t know why. My husband and I didn’t have any context for mental illness, so we were at a loss as to how to “fix” me.
I got into therapy.
I grew up believing mental illness, counseling and medication were all fake news. But now that I was living a nightmare, I decided to give therapy a shot as a last resort.
At age 26, I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and Borderline Personality Disorder.
My diagnosis was a relief – I finally had the answers as to why I was always on edge, angry, sad and self harming. I also knew my life didn’t have to stay this way – I could get healthy.
At age 30, I was put on Lexapro.
The next three years, I continued in therapy and was doing well. Then I had my second child (my first boy) and it was like I went back to ground zero. So, my doctor put me on Lexapro. I’ve been on it ever since.
In January 2019, My brother committed suicide.
After a couple year battle with opioids, rehab, and cancer, my brother took his own life. A few months later, my mother-in-law passed away from Alzheimer’s Disease. If 2019 taught me anything, it was that my time was NOW. I had to start sharing my story so that people would know that no matter how dark it feels, if they just keep walking, the light is coming.
Now, I have my own website and podcast and am pursuing my publishing, modeling, and acting dreams!
When we get healthy, we can embrace our true selves. I feel like I am FINALLY being who I was created to be and pursuing what I designed to pursue!
I’ve been married for 11 years and have 4 kids.
I’ve had to learn to lean into my husband’s unconditional love. I’ve had to work through the fear and guilt that my children may struggle with mental illness…But they are my highest calling. Make sure you follow us on Instagram – Be warned: We cray.
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